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Category: Teachers / Youth Workers

Whats is Emotional blackmail?

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Emotional blackmail is a concept introduced by psychologist Susan Forward. It refers to using fear, obligation, and guilt to control others in intimate relationships such as in the workplace, parent-child relationships, marriage, romantic relationships, and friendships. Emotional blackmailer manipulates the victim into experiencing negative emotions such as frustration, guilt, and fear. The victim would feel trapped, low in self-worth, and thus unable to see the reality of the situation, leading to self-doubt and ultimately complying with the blackmailer’s demands.

There are six key characteristics of emotional blackmail:
1. Demand: The emotional blackmailer presents a clear request or demand to the victim.

2. Resistance: The victim feels uncomfortable or unable to accept the demand and attempts to refuse or resist it.

3. Pressure: In response to the victim’s resistance, the blackmailer further emphasizes their demand and adds pressure.

4. Threats: If the pressure does not lead to acceptance, the blackmailer uses the victim’s emotions to directly or indirectly threaten them into complying with their demand.

5. Compliance: To avoid the negative consequences the blackmailer threatens, the victim often gradually gives in and complies with their demands.

6. Repetition: Once the victim complies, this behavior can become a recurring pattern, creating a vicious cycle of emotional blackmail.

Tips for avoiding emotional blackmail:
When you suspect that you may be experiencing emotional blackmail, you can use the following SOS strategy to respond:

1. Stop: When engaging in emotional blackmail, it is important not to immediately respond to the blackmailer’s demands. Take a moment to pause and delay, giving yourself time and space to think. If necessary, you can leave the venue to avoid being influenced by the blackmailer’s emotional fluctuations.

2. Observe: Once you can stop and stay away from the pressure, try to observe the situation from an outsider’s perspective. Through reflection, observe the blackmailer’s intentions, demands, and methods, and be aware of your thoughts and feelings. For example, pay attention to the words or actions used by the blackmailer that make you feel afraid, guilty, or compelled to comply.

3. Strategize: After reflecting, you can develop strategies to respond to the blackmailer, and practice until you can clearly and firmly express your decisions to the blackmailer. Strategies such as non-defensive communication can present boundaries and avoid triggering the blackmailer’s emotions. For example, you could say, “I understand you’re angry, but when you treat me like this, I feel really hurt…”

Article: Should schools discuss the topic of suicide with students?

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In recent years, the issue of suicide among teenagers has been drawing public attention. People are concerning whether or not school should prevent students from having suicidal thoughts by education. There are opinions that bring up the topic of suicide will cause negative impact on students. Thus, some people think that reporting suicide cases should be eliminated to prevent teenagers from imitating.

So, should schools discuss the topic of suicide with their students? In fact, it is unnecessary to focus too much on the topic of suicide. Instead, putting more focus on the mental health condition of students is more crucial.

There are many different reasons behind each suicide case, but we should let students know that no matter what the reasons are, suicide is never an option to solve their problems. Also, teachers should pay attention to their conversations with students, do not romanticise any suicidal behaviour.

Paying attention to the mental health condition of students is essential. Teachers should be aware of their students’ emotional needs and provide timely assistance. Such as providing some stress relief methods and information about the emotional support hotlines. Facing emotional needs at an early stage can reduce the accumulation of negative emotions and hence avoid some extreme thoughts.

Teachers should be alert if they find students with the following conditions:

– Intention of self-injury;
– Unexplained cuts on their body;
– Depressions;
– Loss of appetite;
– Insomnia;
– Other anxiety symptoms.

Academic performance is important. At the same time, teachers should also pay attention to the mental health condition of students, encourage students to seek help if they are suffering from emotional problems. Detecting and facing mental problems earlier, more tragedies can be avoided.

The greater pressure from the the greater expectations?

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In Chinese society, parents always expect their children to become the “dragons and phoenixes” among all people of the same age . This represents the traditional family concept – parents wish for the success of their child. However, what is the definition of success? Being a student nowadays is often more stressful than in the past. After attending classes for a whole day, need to immediately go to the tutoring center for extra learning; After returning home, nervous parents immediately ask about their performance in extracurricular activities; In senior form, when the child still do not have any idea about the elective subjects they would like to take, parents may clamor to ask their kid to choose a subject that could link to a stable and successful career path.
Yet, will the expectations given by parents be different from their child’s actual preference, causing the expectations to become a kind of pressure or even a burden to the child? Facing all kinds of expectations from the surroundings, even superheroes need to take a breather! So how should we face parents’ high expectations and reduce our pressure? Here are some tips!

1. Learn to communicate with parents
The expectations of parents often come from their care and concern for their child. They hope for a better future for their child, thus might set certain standards subconsciously. With different social positions and point of views, parents may not fully understand what their child is thinking. Therefore, we can take the initiative to share our feelings with our parents, express our feelings of stress and anxiety. If you are worried about not being able to express your feelings accurately, you might as well express yourself in words or pictures. Through communicating with each other calmly, let your parents better understand your current situation and feelings, adjust their expectations appropriately.

2. Know yourself and plan your direction
Over-concerning parents’ thoughts and expectations may cause us to rely on their decisions to make our choices, and ignore our own abilities or interests. As a result, choosing an inappropriate path due to the expectations of others. As a student, you can try to objectively evaluate your capabilities, find your own strengths, then think about future direction. At the same time, it would be better to make the plan as detailed as you can. Make it concrete so that you can have clearer goals and work effectively. It allows your parents to see how your decisions are under careful consideration, and understand that you also have your own thoughts, so as to better relate to you.

3. Seek advice from others
Teachers, social workers, or classmates could be a great support when you share your concern with them. Try to listen to their pertinent opinions and suggestions, make a better balance between parents’ expectations and self-expectations. Remember you are not alone, let people around to share the burden together with you.

The differences between the expectations of parents and children are not terrible. The key lies in whether everyone can communicate and coordinate appropriately. Facing the expectations of others, it is important to adjust your mentality appropriately, find a suitable way to relax and express your emotions.

Suicidal Thoughts to Suicide: A Process Not to Be Ignored, the Unspoken Taboo for Families

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Suicidal Thoughts to Suicide: A Process Not to Be Ignored, the Unspoken Taboo for Families

Translated from Column Sharing, Decoding Mental Health, Hong Kong Economic Times |Date: 17/06/2019|

The topic of “suicide” is controversial, and society has previously advocated against media reporting on suicide cases due to the contagious nature of the subject, fearing it might lead to copycat incidents. Research indicates that whenever someone commits suicide, at least six people are affected (Shneidman, 1993). The most immediate impact is on family members, followed by friends, and even those who learn about the event may be emotionally affected.

The transition from having “suicidal ideation” to committing suicide is a process and not an impulsive act. When triggered, individuals may impulsively resort to “doing something foolish.”
For instance, there was a recent incident where a young man in China, facing setbacks in life and criticized by his mother during a car conversation, impulsively drove off a bridge and did not survive. He felt unsupported and didn’t want to continue living. These reckless thoughts and actions don’t happen suddenly! No matter how much his mother may cry in regret, it is too late.

More Listening and Caring

As close relatives, if we pay careful attention to our loved ones, spend a little more time listening, and offer more care and encouragement, tragedies can be prevented. People with suicidal thoughts are often sensitive and self-blaming, so conversations with them should avoid a harsh and critical tone, like saying, “Your actions are foolish, and you can’t be taught.” Parents are encouraged to say NO to “critical teaching.”
If you find that a family member or friend has suicidal thoughts and you choose to avoid the topic, thinking that a simple phrase like “Don’t think too much” solves the person’s problems, it might be considered irresponsible. If you genuinely care, be a good listener, encourage the person to express their problems and feelings, and avoid criticizing them, as you may not fully comprehend their pain. If you don’t feel you’re a good listener, help the person find a more suitable confidant or seek assistance from social workers or counselors.

If signs of depression in the person for two consecutive weeks were noticed, such as:
1. Low mood
2. Insomnia
3. Loss of appetite
4. Lethargy
5. Avoiding people and activities they used to enjoy

Support should be given to them to seek professional assistance, such as psychologists and psychiatrists.

Changing “Suicide” to “Easygoing Life”

“Suicide” is not just an individual problem but a pressing social issue. Hopefully, starting now, each one of us can spend a little more time caring for those around us, and together, we can transform “suicide” into “easygoing life”!
The author, having researched children and adolescents’ emotions and suicidal behavior at the University of Hong Kong for many years, founded a charity along with other volunteers, aiming to put theories into practice and prevent the public from committing suicide.”

*The idea of changing “Suicide” to “Easygoing Life” was provided by the volunteer, David Ho.

Authored by Dr. Wong Po Shan, Committee Member of the Mental Health Association of Hong Kong, Registered Psychologist in the UK and Hong Kong

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